Totally Clueless to Innuendo
by Hikaru Morinaga
Summary: Link is rather naive, and because of this, is totally clueless to all these womenand men hitting on him. What insanity will ensue? Will Link ever learn something about the birds and the bees?


Written by Minna Kinotome

Date Written: April 2, 2006

Summary: All the people of Hyrule all love Link enough to the point of wanting to have him in bed, right? Well, then what's the problem? Link is clueless to the hints they are giving him.

Disclaimer: I do not own Zelda, Power Rangers or Jesus. Or the evil man that chokes on his wine at the end. I also do not own the name "Rammstein" or their song "Rosenrot" (of which neither appears in the story except by name). Zelda belongs to Nintendo, Power Rangers belongs to whomever, and Jesus and the dude who chokes on his wine belong to the Bible. My interpretations of said people belong to me. After all, I made Jesus kinda like the Jesus of Suburbia. Yeah. Rammstein belongs to Till Lindemann and co. Blah blah blah, don't own. Tristan Lavantyr is actually supposed to be a woman but due to a dream I had Trist was a boy instead. So yeah. Liandra Hyros, Tristan Lavantyr and Michelle all belong to Michelle aka Valkyrie 'cause...uh, technically they are her.

Warnings: slash, Link being passed around like a chew toy, Jesus jokes, foul language, and cameos by random people, and random stupidity.

Whenever Link walked into Hyrule Castle Town all the girls, birds, trees, animals, and men would all swoon over him, getting drool all over the sidewalks, and the girls would sometimes go behind a tree to get some "business" over and done with. Even though there were about zero trees in Hyrule Castle Town. Today was such a day where he was purchasing—or trying to purchase—supplies for his journey toward Zora's Domain. All the people in the bazaar stopped what they were doing to stare at the man in green with an oddly shaped cap atop his wondrously golden hair and lusted after him. Going up to the counter, he noticed the woman behind it was looking, not at his face but somewhere else.

Link raised an eyebrow but did nothing more, clearing his throat (which made all the girls in the bazaar go "OMG!" and "HE'S SO CYUUUTE!" while raping the "Shift" keys), he got the woman's attention away from his crotch long enough to hear him recite his order.  
"Um, excuse me, miss, but uh, I need…some uh…hello? Are you even listening to me?" he turned his head to see all the girls focused either on his midsection or on his ass. Not knowing what any of this meant, he poked the woman—Valerie—with his pointer finger in the shoulder. She shook her head, getting out of her stupor, and asked, "Could you repeat that?"  
Link sighed, again making all the girls rape the "shift" key, and repeated his order. Valerie winked at him and went into the back to get what he asked for.

Meanwhile, a boy named Tristan Lavantyr waltzed up to the Hylian and rubbed against Link suggestively. Link, clueless as he always was, blinked.  
"…Why did you just rub against me?"  
Tristan grinned, ducked under Link's arms, which were holding his body away from the counter, and Tristan put his arms around Link's waist.  
"Wow, you're even sexier in person," he purred, his right hand squeezing Link's ass and the other going in for the "treasure"…  
Well that was until Valerie came back and handed Link his order and got jealous over Tristan's advances.  
Link took his order, turned on his heel, and walked out of there as fast as his monkey legs could take him. Behind him, a bitch fight between Valerie and Tristan ensued.

When Link turned toward the exit to the Castle Town, a weird looking man confronted him. Clearly, he looked like he was a lunatic, twitching every now and then, and grinned evilly. He took Link into a house near the exit/entrance of the Town and locked the door.  
"So, this is the Hero of Time, eh?" he asked, looking him up and down.  
"Yes, it is," Link replied. "Why?"  
The Poe Collector, Joe, ran a finger down Link's chest.  
"If I were as handsome as you—" he said, grinding against Link's crotch, "--I'd be able to run a different kind of business."  
Link, not sure where the conversation was leading, asked, "...Pardon?"  
Joe's hands were on the elastic of Link's leggings, about to pull them down and rape Link's tight, virgin ass, said, "You know, a whore house?"  
"...I don't follow."

Joe threw Link against the wall, his body against Link's, and started touching Link in places not even Link thought could be used for that purpose.   
Breathing heavily, Link asked, "W-What're you doing?"  
Joe smiled.  
"I've wanted to do this ever since I laid eyes on you when you came out of the Temple of Time," he grinned sadistically, and transformed into…  
Link screamed like Nobuyuki Hiyama running from the Devil who was fucking Bloody Mary when he saw Joe the Poe Collector morph into…Dark Link.  
Link screamed again until he was silenced temporarily by Dark Link's tongue being shoved into his mouth.  
Link, using his…Linkish strength, pushed Dark off him, spitting on the ground.  
"What the hell was that all about?" Link asked, breaking the door down.  
Dark grabbed Link from behind, Link's legs flailing, and Dark shoved a hand down the front of Link's pants.  
This not only stopped Link's flailing but made Link moan before kicking Dark in the family jewels and running out the door.

Link, blushing against a tree nearest Zora's Domain, felt like screaming, "Why the fuck is this happening to me!" and would then hang himself, but refrained, because first of all he had nothing to hang himself with and second of all he didn't know what just happened to him and what the word "fuck" meant. Actually, he knew that that was an acronym that the whores were branded with…but other than that…  
Link got up, brushed himself off, and walked off to Zora's Domain.

Once he got there he realized that everything was frozen over.  
"Maybe this is what Sheik meant when he said he'd take my virginity when Zora's Domain and Hell froze over…"  
He took some blue fire and threw it at the ice encasing the King Zora, who shook himself out of his frozen stupor.  
"Well Link...as a reward for saving me how about a nice big kiss?" the King asked, puckering up.  
"...No thanks."  
"...Whaddya mean 'no thanks'? NO ONE CAN RESIST MY MANLINESS."  
"...I don't follow."  
"You know the thing between your legs? WELL NO ONE CAN RESIST THE ZORA EQUIVALENT!"  
Silence.  
"...But the thing between my legs is for me pissing behind a bush."  
The King of the Zora smacked himself on the forehead.  
"Jesus Christ, you know what I mean! Remember when Dark Link touched you?"  
Jesus Christ appeared for a second.  
"Sorry to intervene but I don't know what you mean, so shut the fuck up!" Jesus stalked off.  
"…What was his problem?" Link asked.  
King Zora shrugged.  
"Where was I? Oh, yes! Remember when Dark Link touched you?"

Link was silent.  
"Ye—wait a minute, how'd you know about that?"  
The king laughed evilly for a minute before a bracelet turned into some weird gadget thingy and he said, "Because I am…MORPH!"  
Link laughed.  
"Your name is Morph?"  
The lights that were flashing stopped and the music that was playing came to a sudden halt, a la "disc scratching".  
"…NO! Just watch! Cue the flashing lights and music!"  
Disco lights flashed and Rammstein's "Rosenrot" started to play.  
"…Where's the OTHER music?"  
The effects girl, Michelle, in the back yelled, "Sorry!" and the correct music began to play.  
After all the lights flashing stopped flashing, the King of the Zora morphed into…  
"Who the eff are you?"  
The man smiled. He was clad in what looked like a cheaply made space suit without the oxygen and crap, and it was green with a dinosaur-like helmet.  
"…Wait, let me rephrase that. What the fuck are you?"   
Silence ensued and tumbleweed blew across.  
"…You've never heard of me?"  
Link shook his head no.  
"…I'm Tommy the Green Ranger! …And eventually the white ranger, but that's not important right now. I'm TOMMY DAMMIT! Jesus, how could you have never heard of me?"  
Jesus replied, "I HAVE NITWIT. I watch Power Rangers regularly."  
More silence.

"…That's probably because we don't have televisions in Hyrule, mack," Link said, hands on his hips, looking seductive without meaning to.  
Tommy gulped, hoping no one could see his hardon through his suit.  
"…What?"  
"Nothing!" Tommy said and ran behind a big block of ice to masturbate.  
"Oh God!" he cried, relieving himself. "Jesus! Link is so sexy!"  
"…Uh, Tommy or whoever you are? …I'm right here."  
Tommy jumped and ran away.  
Link had no clue what had just happened, what the word "sexy" meant or why Tommy the Green Ranger (and eventually the White Ranger) was scratching his dick while saying that Link was so sexy.  
"…Pressing onward," Link said, going into the Water Temple…

Meanwhile a man with black hair down to the small of his back and breathtaking blue eyes laughed. Fire and brimstone flared behind him. He choked on his wine and spit it out onto whoever was next to him.  
"I think it's time to cause some mischief in the Mortal Realm…" the man said, laughing again.

TBC

Author's Note: My friend Val formally known as Liandra Hyros/Tristan Lavantyr inspired this story so if you want someone to blame for this monstrosity go poke her or something.  
And yes, I made Tristan a boy based on a dream I had. And Michelle's Val's real name. So yeah, there are a lot of cameos. There's gonna be a few more, I promise!


End file.
